Haunted Memories
by choose joy xox
Summary: "But really, there was no denying it. It was all his fault. If he hadn't left, if he hadn't let her believe that he was working against her, he would have been right there by her side. There would have been no question that the body in the woods hadn't been his." What if Toby had gone to Spencer in Radley? What if he had told her the truth? Would she believe him?


**Prompt: Would you please do a story where instead of watching on as Spencer has a mental breakdown, Toby actually comes and explains all that's happened to her? I'd like him to visit her in Radley, and notice how broken and hopeless she seems. He then comforts her, tries to break down the wall she's built for herself, and might even have to reassure her that she isn't crazy.**

**I hope this is what you wanted, Twinkletoes626! I did my best with it :). I thought about re-watching the episode where Spencer finds Toby's body for reference, but then I was like NAH. Who needs THAT kind of pain?! I mean they might have just blown him up, so that's enough pain for now.**

**THAT 100th EPISODE THOUGH!? SO GOOD. I about died during the Spoby scenes. I was literally a squealing mess. SO GLAD no one was home while I was trying to watch!**

**Shameless plug, go check out Let's Go Back to the Start, my other Spoby story. It's really a bit sad (by a bit I mean a lot), but I'm really proud of it! And it's also 15 reviews away from my most reviewed story. So there's also that :)**

**Happy reading! Let me know what you think!**

TPOV

He thought that he knew pain. He thought that he had reached his allotment of debilitating suffering. But he was wrong. This was worse, this was so much worse. And he had no one to blame for it but himself.

Because no matter how you looked at it this was his fault. Spencer wouldn't be hurting- she wouldn't be suffering so extensively if he weren't such an unimaginable idiot.

He never thought that he'd find love. He was the black sheep of the town; the loser that no one ever wanted to acknowledge. That kind of burden stays with a person. The scars of being hated never truly fade. He could have left Rosewood behind and still he would have been shunned. That was his lot to bear.

And then she showed up on his porch wielding a French book and an arsenal of questions. She talked about having the rug pulled out from under her and landing on her ass, but didn't she realize that was what she had done to him that day? Never had he expected Spencer Hastings to volunteer to help him in any way. Never had he expected her to be nice to him. Never had he expected her to **apologize.**

But she did. She did, and she systematically turned his life upside down. Never before had he actually felt valued. She looked after him in a way that he was unaccustomed to, but that he could get used to pretty quickly. Never before had he felt **so loved. **His dad, at best, tolerated him. Jenna and her mom... he didn't want to think about them. His mom chose to leave him to wade through the horrors of life on his own. But Spencer? She loved him like he had never been loved before.

But even more than any of that, never before had he had someone that he would go to the ends of the earth to protect. He hated himself every time he slipped into that black hoodie. He hated himself every time he got behind the wheel of the black SUV. He hated himself every time he completed an -A team mission. But if he could end this, if he could destroy them from the inside, it would all be worth it.

Spencer might never forgive him; and that wasn't exactly **fine, **but it was preferable to her living her life in fear. It was preferable to knowing that her life was in a perpetual at-risk state. He loved her. He loved her with every fiber of his being. He loved her so much that it hurt, and that's what he would hold on to. That's what he would remember. This was worth it.

Or at least it was until Mona let it slip that Spencer was in Radley because of a cruel game. But really, there was no denying it. It was all his fault. If he hadn't left, if he hadn't let her believe that he was working against her, he would have been right there by her side. There would have been no question that the body in the woods hadn't been his.

He slid into the back door of Radley, determined to right the wrongs that he had committed. It might have been a terrible idea, but he had the lock on those, didn't he? He wouldn't let her go on another minute thinking that she was crazy. He wouldn't allow Mona's cruelty to have time to fester. He would let her know that he was alive.

The screams and moans that were only slightly muffled by the heavy doors only reaffirmed his belief. Spencer didn't belong here. He thought of her bright eyes, her protective nature, and her raspy laughter. He remembered the way that she bought him his truck, the way that she kissed him hungrily, and the way that she latched onto the unknown with the tenacity of a bulldog. Spencer Hastings wasn't crazy.

He approached her room with a growing sense of trepidation. How was he supposed to do this? How could he explain his transgression? Would she forgive him? Would she even believe him? Regardless, he had to try.

He sucked in a nervous breath as he silently pushed open her door and slid into her room.

SPOV

She sat at her desk, the rough wood of the unfinished chair irritating the exposed portion of her thighs. But she didn't care. The pain reminded her that she was still human, if that even made any sense. The past few weeks had been hell. Loss. Betrayal. Suffering. Rejection. She would gladly give up being Spencer Hastings, if only for a little while. Her brief reprieve as Jane Doe hadn't lasted nearly long enough.

She was setting up another game of solitaire as her door creaked open. She assumed it was Eddie coming to give her more mind altering pills, so she didn't even bother to look up. Not until she felt gentle fingers brushing along her collar bone. Not only was she certain that Eddie wouldn't be risking a sexual harassment charge by touching her like that, but she also knew those fingers. She would know those fingers if she were blind, deaf, and probably even dead.

But it wasn't possible. She whipped around so fast it might have given her whiplash, and when she saw his face a noise that was a cross between bubbling laughter and a sob slipped through her constricted throat. This was it, she had finally gone completely crazy. Maybe she should start taking the pills that Eddie brought her.

"Spence."

His soft voice floated into her ears like a gift she never again thought she would receive. It was almost comical the dueling desires this hallucination was causing to rise up in her stomach. Part of her wanted to let the tears that she was just barely keeping at bay flow as she threw herself into his arms. But the other part of her wanted to smack him over and over again until his face hurt as much as her heart did. Either way, the logical part of her knew that wasn't possible.

"Spencer, I can see the wheels turning in your brain. I'm really here. It's really me, Spence."

"It can't be," she whispered. She hadn't wanted to talk to him, but she felt like she had to. "I- I saw your-"

"It wasn't me," he lowered his voice to the same level as her own. "It wasn't me, Spencer. Mona- she- I don't know how she faked it, but she did. I wasn't there."

With a groan of frustration Spencer pulled herself to her feet and flopped on her bed, using the flat pillow to cover her face. This was too much. This was all too much. What was her mind doing to her? When had she actually gone crazy?

"Spencer, it's really me. What do I have to do to prove it to you?" This time his voice was pleading as he pried the pillow away from her face. She half-heartedly protested, but there was something about an insecure Toby that knocked down all of her defenses.

She looked into his vivid, ocean blue eyes for a moment before sitting up and reaching out with trembling fingers. The moment her skin made contact with the taut skin of his bicep she ripped her arm away and looked at him with wide eyes. "Toby?" She breathed, not wanting to believe it. If it wasn't real it would be all the more painful when it was finally over.

"It's really me, Spence, I swear." He looked at her hesitantly before reaching out and grabbing her hand. He placed it flat over his heart. "You feel that? I'm alive. I'm okay."

A small smile slowly grew across her face until something inside of her snapped. Any joy that was previously on her visage slid off, and without warning she smacked him hard across the face. "You think everything's okay? You think this makes _anything _better? How could you, Toby? H-how could you... I trusted you..." she dissolved off, refusing to cry in front of him. He took everything from her. He wouldn't take that too.

"Spencer, I-"

"No!" She scooted back against the wall, trying to get out of his reach. "So you aren't dead. So I'm not responsible for your death, but that doesn't negate what you did! _**I trusted you**_! Do you know how hard that is for me?"

"Spencer," he repeated, never raising his voice, never letting himself get agitated, "I don't know how long I have, so I need you to listen to me. I'm willing to tell you everything, but I need you to let me talk."

She couldn't hold back the tears anymore because he just didn't seem to understand. They flowed, hot and heavy, down her face. He didn't get it. She trusted him. She **trusted **him with everything. She never let herself open up, she never let anyone in. But she showed her real self to Toby. She opened up to him. She allowed him to see who she really was. And come to find out he was using her the entire time? He was probably telling his -A team friends about her insecurities and laughing the entire time. How was she ever supposed to open up to anyone again?

Her stomach ached as she thought about all the sweet things he had ever said to her. His hand stroking hers as he told her to call him if she ever felt like running again, when he held her in her red chair when things were just too much to bear, when he came for her after Ian tried to kill her. Pretending not to love you was the hardest thing I've ever done. The rocking chair, the handmade cards, the times they spent up at Lookout Point... Was it all a lie?

She felt his hand on her shoulder and jerked away.

His face was apologetic. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But please can I try to explain?"

She nodded shortly, not knowing what else to say to him. If she opened her mouth she would probably start to embarrassingly sob, and that wasn't going to happen. It was bad enough that she was even crying.

"Do you remember when I got that job in Buck's County?" He ran a hand through his hair and perched on the bed, as far away from her as he could get. She was sure that his position was for her benefit and not for his.

She nodded again. At the time she thought it was to get away from her. He assured her that it wasn't. _I know who you are Spencer. You never have to say that you're sorry. _But it's looking like that was another lie.

"Mona approached me while I was at the work site. She told me about -A. But more than that, she was subtly threatening you at the same time. It was like she was trying to get me to join either way. She reminded me of everything I went through because of Alison, and by association you four. But she also talked about how you were always the one closest to the answers, and how you would wind up getting hurt unless someone did something about it. Then she suggested that I join." He tugged on his hair and looked away, obviously unsure of how to continue.

After a moment of silence he took a deep breath and continued on. "I was mad. I actually think that livid was a better word. I was frustrated with you for not telling me the truth, but I was ready to kill Mona for threatening you. I was prepared to restrain her and call the police, but then I thought about what you would do."

Oh Lord, that was never a good idea. She always had the best intentions, but her plans never worked out well.

"And I realized that the four of you were never going to figure out who -A is on your own. They keep too close of an eye on you. But what if you had someone on the inside? Someone that was getting the information, but was unwaveringly loyal to you? What would happen then?" He finally looked up from the bed and met her eyes.

She saw nothing but sincerity within them, but how could she believe him? Wasn't this exactly what an -A team member would do?

"I can see the disbelief in your eyes, Spencer, and- just, please think about this. What we had was _real. _I never lied to you about how I felt about you; not a single time. You have to know what you mean to me. You have to see." He was getting desperate, which was causing her heartstrings to twist into jumbled knots. She wanted to believe him. Truly she did.

"You saved me. That day when you came to tutor me I was- I can't even describe to you how I was feeling. It was like I was surrounded by people but I was still alone. My father looked at me and hated me. Jenna's mom ignored me. And Jenna- she- you know what she did. No one cared. But then you came by. You apologized. You gave me a purpose, and you systematically began to change my life. You're- God, Spencer you're my whole world. I would unreservedly do anything for you." She flinched slightly as his hand reached out, but she didn't move away as his fingers came in contact with her cheek. The trembling digits drew her closer and cupped her right cheek. "I love you, Spencer. **I love you."**

She didn't take her eyes off of his. There was something about Toby that made you believe him when he spoke to you. But it wasn't quite so easy for her analytical mind to believe him. But then she thought about it. She would have done anything, **_anything _**to keep him from -A. There wasn't a thing in the world she wouldn't have done to keep him safe, because she loved him. She loved him unconditionally and with every single piece of her heart. She would have gone to the ends of the earth to ensure his safety. Was it really so incomprehensible, so unfathomable, that he felt the same way?

She focused her attention back on Toby, and renewed tears welled up in her eyes as she saw the tears flowing down his face. His red tinged eyes were still on her face, waiting for her response. "Toby," she murmured. She got to her knees and scooted closer to him, framing his face with her hands. "Toby."

He looked at her with hope. "P-please tell me that you believe me, sweetheart. Please."

"I do," she said. "You should have told me. You shouldn't have done something so dangerous," she closed her eyes to block out the thought of what might happen to him if Mona found out about his duplicity. "But y-you're here now. And I'm not crazy?" She posed the last part as a question, a few lingering doubts remaining in her mind.

He lifted up a hand, trapping one of hers against his stubbly cheek. "No, sweetheart. You aren't crazy. I just- this is my fault. And you're right, I should have done it differently. Not because I regret my decision to work on the inside, but because I regret what it's done to you. I t-thought you'd be sad for awhile. But I thought you'd move on."

"I could never move on," she protested. "Not after that kind of betrayal. But Toby, you need to-" She immediately stopped talking when she heard the soft murmur of voices coming from the hallway. Shit, it was time for night rounds.

"I need to go," he said reluctantly, pulling himself up off of the bed.

"You're going back to Mona," she said dully.

"I have to, Spencer," he said regretfully. "It really might work. If I can just earn her trust-"

"You'll get killed, Toby! And you can see firsthand how that would effect me! Just- just go back to your loft! Please, I can't have you dying because of me." Oh good, the tears were back.

But this time Toby felt confident enough to lean forward and slowly wipe them away. "Listen to me, Spencer. There is nothing in the world that could keep me from you. Nothing. Just stay strong, okay? I'll be in touch soon. I love you." He leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, and before she even realized what was happening, before she could pull herself out of the stupor that was induced by all the information she was just presented with, he slipped out the door.

He was gone. And she was still here to work through everything. He loved her? He **loved **her. It was all part of a plan. A stupid, idiotic, dangerous plan, but a plan all the same. He was working **for **her, not against her. Oh Toby. How did she ever believe it to begin with? There was nothing but goodness inside of him. But she supposed that's why it hurt so much when he turned around in that hoodie. It was something that she never expected. She probably accused every single person in that town of being -A, but she never suspected Toby; not after she got to know him.

The back of her mind, the very furthest part, questioned whether he was telling her the truth, but that wasn't even an issue. When Toby Cavanaugh told you the truth, you knew it.

"I love you too," she whispered as the nurses came in. Now she had to work on getting out of this place so she could stop that beautiful idiot from getting himself killed.


End file.
